I absolutely detest the inner torments that invade me during the first few weeks and months of dating someone new. I become obsessed, yet I try to act cool. I wait for texts and emails, as if they are signs of approval. I want to see and hang out with that person all the time, yet I need my personal space. But when I have my personal space, all I can do is to think about that person. If that person acts as if they are disinterested, then I lose hope. The uncertainties and the inadequacies (based on my expectations) drive me insane. Am I just a sexual object? Does he have any long-term interests in me? Am I too dumb? Am I boring? Is he secretly a heartbreaker? Does he even like me?
Part of me thinks that I should not have any of these worries. After all, if he is smitten with you (as we've seen with our friends), then how can he resist the urge to talk to you all the time?
What if I disclose these insecurities to him? That seems like an efficient solution, but does that make me too vain? Will he understand?
Perhaps it's best to note down my thoughts and cool off for a bit.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Focus
Yesterday I read a book review by Alice Gregory (one of my favorite writers) that resonated with me. What resonated was not the book or its criticism, but rather the author's thoughts on contemporary, especially millennial way of spending time.
I would be horrified if an app tracked how I use my time. In one minute, I could be freaking out about my to-do list, reminding myself to email that nurse about IUD appointment, suddenly be then reminded to make an entry on my period-tracking app, then wonder whether I should buy that Dolly Alderton book that's only been released in the U.K. but is sold on Amazon at a premium, and then surrender to avoid these complicated thoughts by checking my email or scrolling through Instagram.
As you can tell, I am unable to focus.
Part of it is that I enjoy consuming. I am a greedy media consumer like the way Nigella Lawson is greedy for food (I am also the latter). But what Gregory's piece inspired me to think about was why I consume so much, especially when I forget 99% of what I consume?
One reason is to fill the void. Since I got an iPhone, I have been unable to handle the void. I dislike being alone; the thought of doing nothing kills me; and focusing on one thing is nearly impossible. Eating by itself does not satisfy my. I must accompany the act of eating with consumption of TV, movies, or a podcast. Going through my morning digest of newspapers are not enough; I must listen to music in the background. Why all the noise? I am shaken by the extent of noise in my head as I type.
Another reason is that I want to be smarter and more interesting. My role models (writers, journalists, lawyers) read a lot. Smart people know things. Interesting people know everything. I want to be everything; thus, I must consume everything. Of course, that's impossible. But doesn't Obama do it? Doesn't all my favorite podcasters and journalist do it? How do they keep up with all the cultural zeitgeist and political news? When does Rachel Maddow have the time to read local news?
As a Sagittarius, I am all over the place. I will go anywhere that people tell me is fascinating. But I realize that to be a sane and successful person (see Sonia Sotomayor), you need extreme focus. I started this blog impetuously because I thinking writing out my thoughts will declutter my head and help me focus.
For example, last night I decided that I want to learn French for my upcoming stint at Sciences Po. Despite knowing only four phrases in French (bonjour, oui, je ne sais quoi, joie de vivre), I decided that I should try to read The Perfect Nanny (Chanson Douce) in French along with the English version and an audiobook. This morning I was listening to an episode of Literary Friction and all of sudden I decided that I needed to read Jill Soloway's Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants. But then two days ago I was captivated by an interview with Lisa Halliday on her debut novel, Asymmetry, on the NYT Books podcast. What about my desperate need to get my hand on Dolly Alderton's new book? And there's still three books on my bed...
One solution may be to delete my podcast app. It brings me so much joy though. When I listen to podcasts, I feel like I am meeting the female friends that I've never been able to meet in real life: women who enjoy talking about the high and the low, from bitcoins to birth control; women who are adventurous and open-minded; women who love books and sharing their opinions on books; women who forward each other interesting articles; women who are not afraid to share. Yet these podcasts overload me with to-do lists. I am unable to prioritize and get lost in the sea of recommendations.
I need to go to a lecture, but with limited amount of time to resolve this issue, I think I should just do the following: (1) continue listening to podcasts and consuming 10+ newsletters per day; (2) start an organized system of recording recommendations; (3) only add to my to-do list one item at a time so I don't feel inundated with tasks; (4) prioritize schoolwork and things that will help me become a better lawyer; (5) don't choose to consume something just to impress a boy; (6) when feeling desperate, write a blog post; and (7) take a deep breath and go to the restroom—you don't need to hold on to that pee!
xo,
c
I would be horrified if an app tracked how I use my time. In one minute, I could be freaking out about my to-do list, reminding myself to email that nurse about IUD appointment, suddenly be then reminded to make an entry on my period-tracking app, then wonder whether I should buy that Dolly Alderton book that's only been released in the U.K. but is sold on Amazon at a premium, and then surrender to avoid these complicated thoughts by checking my email or scrolling through Instagram.
As you can tell, I am unable to focus.
Part of it is that I enjoy consuming. I am a greedy media consumer like the way Nigella Lawson is greedy for food (I am also the latter). But what Gregory's piece inspired me to think about was why I consume so much, especially when I forget 99% of what I consume?
One reason is to fill the void. Since I got an iPhone, I have been unable to handle the void. I dislike being alone; the thought of doing nothing kills me; and focusing on one thing is nearly impossible. Eating by itself does not satisfy my. I must accompany the act of eating with consumption of TV, movies, or a podcast. Going through my morning digest of newspapers are not enough; I must listen to music in the background. Why all the noise? I am shaken by the extent of noise in my head as I type.
Another reason is that I want to be smarter and more interesting. My role models (writers, journalists, lawyers) read a lot. Smart people know things. Interesting people know everything. I want to be everything; thus, I must consume everything. Of course, that's impossible. But doesn't Obama do it? Doesn't all my favorite podcasters and journalist do it? How do they keep up with all the cultural zeitgeist and political news? When does Rachel Maddow have the time to read local news?
As a Sagittarius, I am all over the place. I will go anywhere that people tell me is fascinating. But I realize that to be a sane and successful person (see Sonia Sotomayor), you need extreme focus. I started this blog impetuously because I thinking writing out my thoughts will declutter my head and help me focus.
For example, last night I decided that I want to learn French for my upcoming stint at Sciences Po. Despite knowing only four phrases in French (bonjour, oui, je ne sais quoi, joie de vivre), I decided that I should try to read The Perfect Nanny (Chanson Douce) in French along with the English version and an audiobook. This morning I was listening to an episode of Literary Friction and all of sudden I decided that I needed to read Jill Soloway's Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants. But then two days ago I was captivated by an interview with Lisa Halliday on her debut novel, Asymmetry, on the NYT Books podcast. What about my desperate need to get my hand on Dolly Alderton's new book? And there's still three books on my bed...
One solution may be to delete my podcast app. It brings me so much joy though. When I listen to podcasts, I feel like I am meeting the female friends that I've never been able to meet in real life: women who enjoy talking about the high and the low, from bitcoins to birth control; women who are adventurous and open-minded; women who love books and sharing their opinions on books; women who forward each other interesting articles; women who are not afraid to share. Yet these podcasts overload me with to-do lists. I am unable to prioritize and get lost in the sea of recommendations.
I need to go to a lecture, but with limited amount of time to resolve this issue, I think I should just do the following: (1) continue listening to podcasts and consuming 10+ newsletters per day; (2) start an organized system of recording recommendations; (3) only add to my to-do list one item at a time so I don't feel inundated with tasks; (4) prioritize schoolwork and things that will help me become a better lawyer; (5) don't choose to consume something just to impress a boy; (6) when feeling desperate, write a blog post; and (7) take a deep breath and go to the restroom—you don't need to hold on to that pee!
xo,
c
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